Titanic
by BlackdragonDM
Summary: First, I didn't write this...I "borrowed" it. Second, The Harry Potter characters attempt to recreate Titanic


Note: I did not write this!! I stole it from Dragonflie! I only changed the names!! ^^'''' Bad Me! The original version can be found under her name here at FF.Net and it's a Digimon version. Also, I was too lazy to change the japanese words so...we're going to pretend they can speak a few words! ^^' Hentai is japanese for perverted, sex, etc. ~_^ Just thought you might like to know that.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Titanic, This story, or anything elese here! None of it's mine! It's all borrowed!! PLEASE DON'T SUE ME!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
TITANIC kinda...  
  
~~~CAST!!!!!~~~  
  
Jack............................Harry  
  
Rose...........................Draco  
  
Cal...Kal? Kale? Cale? Something like that!..........................Ron  
  
The Captain...............Fred  
  
The 1st Mate..............Lavendar  
  
The Lookout...............Dean  
  
Stunt Double...............Ginny  
  
Props...........................Collin  
  
Technical Advisor.......Neville   
  
Costumes....................Parvati  
  
Music............................Seamus  
  
Director........................Hermione  
  
  
  
Hermione put her hands on her hips and yelled "Places, everyone!"  
  
The opening scene of "Titanic" was about to filmed, and no one knew were Draco was. As the  
not-quite-female lead, he couldn't be replaced!  
  
"I will NOT wear this in public!" Draco's voice was heard rising from the costuming room.   
  
"You will, and you will LIKE IT!!!" Parvati screamed backed. Her motto had become alike to Cartman's- "Don't  
question my authority!"  
  
"Come on, Draco, it can't be that bad," Harry wheedled, although he wasn't too thrilled about the crappy  
clothes Parvati had gowned him in.   
  
Then Draco finally entered, and there was absolute silence. Draco was wearing a dress.  
  
It was beautiful- long and lacey, the palest shade of voilet, and the hat set off Draco's eyes perfectly. His hair  
had been styled into tight curls, and even his expression of total and utter disgust was cute.  
  
Hermione coughed. "Uh, places, people!"   
  
The bustle of the set resumed, as no one was about to anger the star. There were a few muffled snickers  
and several sighs of admiration and jealousy rising from the group, though.  
  
"Come on, first scene! Harry, front and center!"  
  
Harry was in a crappy bar, watching with interest as one man offered to bet his ticket aboard the H.M.S.  
Titanic.   
  
"Hey, I'll try for that, deal me in," Harry said, sitting down at the man's table.   
  
"Poker," the man declared, "Threes and sevens wild-"  
  
"Hold it! I don't know how to play poker; can't we try Crazy Eights?"   
  
"Cut!" Hermione yelled. "Harry!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Crazy Eights?!"  
  
"Well, I really don't know how to play poker!" Harry pouted, crossing his arms and glaring at the director.   
  
Hermione sighed. "All right, we'll just skip to where you win the ticket, ok?"  
  
"Works for me!" So Harry had his ticket, and was going to New York on the Titanic.  
  
In the meantime, a beautiful...um, woman... kind of... was being escorted onto the ship by ...her?... fiance.  
  
"Shit!" Draco yelled as he tripped on the ridiculously high heels Parvati had forced him to wear.   
  
"Cut!" Hermione screamed. "Watch the language!"  
  
"Screw you! I don't see you walking in ten inch high heels!"  
  
"Costumes!"   
  
Parvati walked onto the set, scanning Draco's prone body with interest. "You'll rip the dress, you know," she  
finally said.  
  
"Someone help me up," Draco hissed. Ron hurriedly pulled him up, and backed away when Draco made as if  
to slap him. "Now how do I walk in these things?"  
  
Parvati frowned in thought. "Let's see how you were walking."  
  
Draco managed a few wobbly steps before collapsing again, but Parvati had solved the problem.  
  
"You have to swish! To strut! Move your ass, Draco!" Parvati cheered, demonstrating. Everyone stopped what  
they were doing to watch Draco strut his stuff across the stage.  
  
Feeling as if he had been challenged, Draco stuck his nose in the air and strutted easily up the gang-plank.  
Every person nearby was entranced by the way he moved his hips.  
  
"Wow, Draco," Harry murmured, staring in awe. Draco smirked.  
  
"Ok people!" Hermione yelled, breaking the spell. "Let's keep moving!"  
  
The scene switched to Fred, who was getting ready to go. "Pittsburgh, here we come!"   
  
"Uh, captain, sir?" Lavendar said, uncomfortably. She didn't like the bowtie Parvati had declared necessary to  
her outfit.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"We're going to New York."  
  
"What?" Fred gave Lavendar a funny look. "I was sure we were supposed to be heading to Pittsburgh..."  
  
"No sir, we're in a boat, and Pittsburgh isn't exactly on the coast."  
  
"Oh."   
  
Hermione finally skipped all the beginning scenes, and ordered them to start at the point where Rose is about to  
kill herself.  
  
"This dress is too skimpy! I'm freezing!" Draco said, showing a lot of skin.  
  
"That's because it's not a dress, it's lingerie," Parvati informed him.  
  
"What?!"   
  
"Look, we couldn't find a decent cocktail dress, and you look just great in that, so what's the problem?"  
  
"The problem is that I'm hanging off the back of a giant boat in woman's underwear!"  
  
"It's not underwear, it's lingerie!"  
  
"From Victoria's Secret, too," Seamus muttered. He hadn't liked giving up the present he'd just bought for  
Dean.  
  
"Let's roll!" Hermione yelled, effectively shutting everyone up.  
  
Harry wandered on the scene, looked at the cigarettes he had just been handed by Collin, and tossed them  
over the side. "Ick."  
  
Then he noticed the pretty... um... well, the pretty guy in lingerie hanging off the back of the ship.  
  
"May I ask what you're doing?" Harry stepped closer, eyeing Draco with worry.  
  
"I'm about to throw myself off this boat, can't you tell?" Draco replied waspishly.  
  
Harry sneaked a peek at his script, and asked, "Have you ever been to Wisconsin?"  
  
"What kind of question is that?!" Draco screamed, enraged. "I'm trying to kill myself and you're asking me  
about travelling! Damn you, tell me not to do it! Offer to make sweet, passionate love to me if I don't kill  
myself!"  
  
Harry blinked, Hermione threw her hands into the air, and Collin, the props manager, tried to get the cigarettes  
back because he had only been issued one carton and fell over the side of the boat.  
  
Draco climbed back over the railing and said loudly, "Let's skip to the sex scene."  
  
"STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN' ALIVE-"  
  
The cast all screamed and covered their ears as a disco ball lowered from the ceiling and disco music blared  
from all the speakers.  
  
"PROPS! GET THE TECHNICAL ADVISER A TISSUE!!!" Hermione shrieked, knowing that Neville was probably in  
the fetal position about now and wondering how he was going to last through all the hentai Draco was likely to  
instigate.  
  
The music stopped, and Draco began dragging Harry towards the State Room where Ron was currently  
staying.  
  
"Um, I think we're supposed to steam up a car," Harry said, confused.  
  
"A car? Like hell! Imagine how uncomfortable that would be." Draco continued to drag his costar towards the  
biggest bed on the ship.  
  
"But what about the sexy hand scene? Where you smear the window?"  
  
"It can wait."  
  
Unfortunately, Hermione sent Dean and Seamus to break up this little mutiny after she managed to get them to  
stop making out in her director's chair.  
  
"Ok, people, places!" Hermione called again, meaning to have them act out the scene after the church service in  
which Draco would discover Harry's drawing talent.  
  
"These are amazing," Draco breathed. "But- But this one is a nude! You are so FICKLE!!!"  
  
"Draco, this notebook was given to me by Collin. It's a prop."  
  
"Collin, you little hentai!"  
  
"Cut! Stick with your lines, Draco!" Hermione yelled.  
  
"These are amazing," Draco breathed. "But why did you draw this girl so much? Did you love her? And you had  
best say no."  
  
Harry blinked at that little addition, but rallied and followed his lines. "No, it's because of her hands. I  
love hands-"  
  
"Oh, me too," Draco said in as sexy a voice as he could muster, and leaned close to Harry. He started to  
grope the poor confused raven haired boy when-  
  
"HEY NOW, YOU'RE AN ALL-STAR, GET YOUR GAME ON, GO PLAY-"  
  
"Aaaahhhh!"   
  
"Props! Tissue to the Technical Advisor! Draco, STICK WITH YOUR LINES!!!"  
  
"I couldn't help it! You heard what he said! God, that was SUCH an invitation!"  
  
"Let's go to another scene, ok?" Hermione sighed in defeat.  
  
For some reason, the party scene went off without a hitch. Draco, still in the lingerie because all the other  
dresses had been sold to keep production costs low, was very good at jigging.  
  
"Um, we're skipping the car scene for now," Hermione said quickly as Draco prepared to drag Harry off.  
  
"Why?!" Draco cast a truly horrified glance her way.  
  
"Because... because we had to sell the car. Next scene!"  
  
"Pssst! Fred!"  
  
The captain looked over the side of the ship to catch sight of ......A talking ferret?  
  
"What are you doing here?!"  
  
"Actually, I'm hiding because Parvati couldn't get Snuffles fur to make a new coat so she wants to skin me.  
But I also wanted to warn you about this big ice berg out that way-"  
  
"My lookout is keeping watch for that kind of thing. No need to worry,"Fred said, brushing off the danger.  
  
"But-" the talking ferret looked confused. "You do know that your lookout is making out with Seamus right now?"  
  
"Doesn't matter. I never let anyone down! I will make it to my destination! Onward, to Pittsburgh!"  
  
"New York, sir!"  
  
"Thank you, Lavendar! Onward, to New York!"  
  
"Oh boy," the ferret whispered as he quickly swam off.   
  
"Where did Draco and Harry go?" Hermione asked, searching for her stars. At long last they were found in the  
State Room, and Ron had a fit.  
  
"You were CENSORED in my bed! I have to sleep in there! You CENSORED sickos!"  
  
"Calm down," Draco muttered, pulling his lingerie back on.  
  
Amazingly, Neville didn't have a fit and accidently hit the music again. This might be because Fred was  
bribing him with a bunch of new computer discs to do something, but no one knew what. Fred refused to  
say.  
  
"Next scene," Hermione said, "Props! Get me some Tylenol!"  
  
Collin hurried off to do her bidding, and Hermione directed Ron to finally play his part.  
  
"This is the bit where you find out Draco's been cheating on you, and you're really pissed," Hermione prompted.  
  
Ron looked at his lines and blanched. "I don't really have to say that, do I?"  
  
"Yes. But first, you have to slap Draco."  
  
"Stunt double!" Draco yelled, stepping out of the way. Ginny was brought out by Fred and Lavendar.  
  
"Why am I the stunt double?! I would've made a better Rose than him! After all, I am a girl!" Ginny  
complained, glaring at everyone. Collin handed Hermione her Tylenol.  
  
"Thanks. Ginny, Draco has better star quality than you. Places!" Hermione yelled.  
  
Ron looked around and saw Dean watching with murder written in his eyes.   
  
"Uh, stunt double?"  
  
"Cut! You don't have a stunt double."  
  
"I need one."  
  
"Uh... Seamus?"  
  
"Hell no!"  
  
"We need a tall Red-head!"  
  
"I know just the person!" Parvati called out, and darted back into the costumes area. She pulled out a very  
confused looking George.  
  
"What were you doing back there?" Harry asked.  
  
"I was helping to fix the sewing machine," George said, "What's up?"  
  
"Will you be Ron's stunt double?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Sure!"  
  
"Ok, slap Ginny."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"This is the scene where Ron is supposed to slap Ginny."  
  
"I can't. I quit. I have to fix the sewing machine." George ran.  
  
Draco sighed. "Give me a wig and I'll slap her!"  
  
"Ok," Hermione said. They had to settle for a mop, because there were no wigs (yes, they had been sold) and  
Draco slapped Ginny so hard she fell.  
  
"You bitch!" Ginny yelled.  
  
Draco smirked and strutted back over to Harry, who had covered his face with his hands for the entire  
scene.  
  
"It's ok now, Harry," Draco whispered.   
  
"Quit it before Neville goes insane again!" Lavendar yelled.  
  
"Now Ron! Read your line!" Hermione ordered, and Draco stepped into place. Ron looked at his line, winced,  
and took a deep breath.  
  
"You good for nothing whore! All women-" And then Lavendar had tackled him, and Ginny was punching him in  
the gut.  
  
"Oh, I forgot about that," Hermione murmured.  
  
"Shall we skip to the drawing scene?" Hermione asked, and had Parvati and Dean help her pull the irate females  
off of Ron.  
  
Collin began searching through his bag of props. "I can't find the necklace..."  
  
"What necklace?" Harry asked.  
  
"The one Draco's supposed to be wearing when you sketch him."  
  
"Yeah," Dean laughed, "That's all he'll be wearing!"  
  
All the cast members prepared to be assaulted by loud music again, but nothing happened.  
  
"I gave him the tissue box," Collin explained. "I lost the necklace!"  
  
"No, no," Parvati said. "He's supposed to have the whip instead of the necklace, remember?"  
  
"Whip?" Harry asked nervously.  
  
"Excellent," Draco purred.  
  
"Here it is!" Collin said, holding it up. "It's caught in the handcuffs-"  
  
"Handcuffs?" Draco interrupted, his eyes brightening. In a super fast dash, he grabbed Harry, the whip,  
and the handcuffs and ran like mad for the State Room.  
  
"Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!! They're going to CENSORED in my bed again!" Ron screamed. "You have to have  
something in that little bag to stop them!"  
  
Collin looked through it. "Well, here's a whistle-"  
  
"Thanks!" Ron ran after the disappearing stars.  
  
"And a gun..."  
  
After chasing Draco down and stealing the star and props from him, Hermione decided it was time to crash the ship  
into the ice berg.  
  
However, the movie was out of her control.  
  
"You two can have each other, just stay out of my bed when you do it!" Ron yelled at Draco and Harry.  
  
"Fine! Get a new bed and we won't go in it," Draco snarled back.  
  
Harry stared wide-eyed at the huge lump of ice approaching. "Uh, guys?"  
  
"What?" Both boys turned to see the ice berg right in their faces, almost.  
  
"Where's Dean?! Why hasn't he called out the alarm?!" Harry shrieked.  
  
"I thought Seamus was the lookout," Ron said, confused.  
  
"No, it's Dean," Draco replied.  
  
"But I just saw Seamus go up there-"  
  
Understanding.  
  
"ICE BERG!!!!!" the three boys screamed together. Dean managed to pull out of Seamus's embrace long  
enough to sound the alarm, and then he and Seamus returned to their activity.  
  
"Like hell this ice cube is going to stop me!" Fred yelled, a strange glint in his eye.  
  
"Captain, the ship is supposed to sink," Lavendar reminded him patiently.  
  
"No! I have never let anyone down! We are making it to Pittsburgh!"   
  
"New York, sir, and-"  
  
Fred pushed a blinking red button near the window and laughed maniacally as the rocket boosters kicked in  
and lifted the ship into the air.  
  
"Uh... have we entered a sci-fi flick? What the hell is going on?!" Lavendar demanded.  
  
"I had Neville install these babies... We are heading for Pittsburgh!"  
  
Hermione threw her director's hat on the ground. "That's it, I quit!"  
  
"Seamus, you're supposed to sing 'My Heart Will Go On,' for the ending," Dean reminded his lover.  
  
"Oh, right..."  
  
Seamus straightened his new outfit, which had a suspicious resemblance to the one Brittany Spears wore to  
the music awards- well, almost wore, as there wasn't much there to wear.  
  
"See? You're not the only one who can look good crossdressing," he smirked in Draco's direction, and the star  
growled.  
  
Instead of the theme, however, Seamus began to sing-  
  
"Hit me baby one more time!" 


End file.
